Beyond Innocence Read online

  “Goddammit,” he muttered. “Oh, all right, I’ll go.” He shook their hands off his arms. “Just let go of me, already.”

  The nurses motioned for him to precede them out the door. He waddled out, muttering under his breath the whole time.

  Just as they stepped into the hall the charge nurse called back, “Sorry about that, Luke. Just call if you need anything else.” Luke could hear the smile in her voice.

  Marnie turned back to him with her own silly grin. She began her familiar routine of straightening and fluffing. He was dressed to go out and was lying on top of the thin, grey hospital blanket, so she was denied the tucking part of the ritual. “You have got to stop charming the nurses, Luke. They practically fall over themselves to answer your buzzer already. They don’t need any more encouragement.”

  Luke’s mouth dropped open. “I didn’t do anything! Honest. They all just seem to want to be nice to me. I don’t know why. I don’t know—”

  Marnie’s chuckling stopped his protests.

  “You were teasing.” he said seriously.

  She shook her head in wonder. “You don’t have to do anything, Luke. Just being you is enough.”

  Luke still didn’t get it, but he decided to let it pass. “Are we going for that walk?” he asked hopefully.

  Marnie chewed on her lower lip. “I wanted to, but with that newspaper guy sniffing around, I just don’t know…”

  “Come on,” he said in exasperation. “I’m getting out tomorrow, and I’ve hardly been outside since I woke up. I can’t hide forever, you know.”

  “I know.”

  He could tell she was still worried, although the reasons for her fears eluded him.

  “Okay, I guess you’re right. We’ll go, but where are your crutches?”

  He held up his surprise. “I’m trying out my new cane today.”

  “Really? Are you sure?”

  “Well, you’re my physiotherapist, but I already tried it up and down the halls a few times, and it felt great. I’d like to give it a real workout and then maybe I can leave the crutches here.”

  Marnie began examining his right leg. The pale, jagged scars had just begun to fade, and Luke still cringed to look at it, but the muscles got stronger every day, and he was determined that he not be an invalid in Marnie’s house.

  Her fingers skimmed his skin and he couldn’t stop the parade of goose bumps that trailed her touch. She seemed oblivious to her effect on him. “Well, okay. I guess—”

  “Marnie?”

  She straightened and turned around to face the new visitor. The woman who sauntered into the room was wearing a name badge. She obviously worked here and knew Marnie. But Luke could tell that Marnie was less than pleased to see her.

  “Shawna.”

  The curvaceous blonde in the tight uniform and clicky shoes approached, her demeanor cool and confident. “Hi, Marnie.”

  Luke found it odd that while she spoke Marnie’s name her eyes were trained very directly on him.

  “I heard this was his last day here and I was afraid if I didn’t come today I’d never get to meet your project.”

  Marnie stiffened. “He’s not a project, he’s a person.”

  Shawna ignored her and extended a hand. “Shawna Simpson. I used to carpool with Marnie.” Luke shook her hand as expected but couldn’t seem to let go of it quickly enough. Her skin was warm and pleasant, but he found her oddly repulsive.

  The blonde continued, “She lost interest in carpooling when she started spending all her time with you. Nice for you,” she smiled but Luke saw something flicker in her eyes that he didn’t like. “But kind of a bummer for me. Especially with the big hikes at the gas pumps lately.”

  “Oh,” was all Luke could think to say.

  “He’s cuter than you let on, Marnie. I might just have to steal him away from you.”

  Marnie chuckled but Luke sensed the tension in the set of her shoulders and the tightness of her laugh. “You and half the other nurses, Shawna.”

  “I’m going home with Marnie.” The force of his voice apparently startled them both.

  Shawna laughed and leaned over a little, affording him an unhindered view of her breasts. “Sure you are, sweetie. Marnie’s a real sweet girl with a big heart. But once you’re back on your feet and ready for some action again you just ask her for my number, and I’ll help you remember how to really have fun.”

  “I’m afraid she’s right. I’m not much of a partier. Maybe in a month or so—”

  Luke looked at her and said incredulously, “You think I like her?”

  Stunned, Marnie stuttered, “Well, I—”

  “She makes me nauseous, Marnie. Let’s go for that walk now, okay?”

  Shawna’s eyes went wide and her mouth dropped open. “I—you—that was so rude!”

  Luke cocked his head at an angle. “You were rude first. And insulting.” He turned to Marnie and was pleased to see a timid smile on her face. “Can you ask her to leave now?”

  Shawna just continued to stand there, dumbstruck.

  Marnie turned to her and explained, “I’m afraid Luke has to relearn how to be tactful.” Her grin widened significantly. “He’s forgotten how to lie.”

  “Well, you can have him,” said Shawna stiffly. “With those scars and that face he looks like the Elephant Man, anyway.” She whirled around and stalked out, heedless of the scathing look Marnie darted her way.

  When they were alone, Marnie grasped his hand to help him sit up and swing his feet to the floor. “I’m sorry about that. I’m afraid she’s used to men falling at her feet. You kind of threw off her stride.”

  Grasping his cane, Luke stood and draped his arm across Marnie’s shoulders, the routine already familiar and comfortable. The fresh scent of her soap and shampoo filled him with contentment and tickled things at the back of his mind that he couldn’t quite identify.

  “And you don’t look like the Elephant Man,” she added sharply. “That was just plain bitchy.”

  “Who’s the Elephant Man?”

  She laughed, and he could feel the sweet vibrations against his arm. “Forget it. I just want you to know that you look wonderful just the way you are. Scars and all.”

  Luke had trouble understanding why it mattered whether or not he looked good. He would give anything to just look in a mirror and remember—to recognize the face and not feel like he was staring at a stranger. Sometimes he would get up in the middle of the night, go into his washroom, turn on the light, and just stare and stare, willing the memories to resurface.

  The doctors had said that perhaps familiar sights and sounds would help trigger his memory. Surely his face was one of the most familiar things in his experience. But he looked at it and drew a blank. Nothing. He saw the blue eyes and the dark hair. He saw the jagged scar and the reddish stubble. But it meant nothing to him. He would finally crawl back into bed, close his eyes, and try to shut out the image he had just spent an hour trying to ingrain into his psyche. And then he would try to still the nagging voice in the back of his mind that kept asking over and over, What if you don’t want to know? What if you can’t remember because you don’t want to? What if you’re running from your life? What if Marnie finds out and leaves you? You’ll be alone.

  What if you’re evil, Luke Blue? What then? The word would reverberate over and over inside his head until he would cover his ears in a feeble attempt to shut it out.

  Evil… Evil… Evil…

  * * * * *

  Marnie’s steps were heavy but it had nothing to do with the weight of Luke’s arm across her shoulders. Actually, he hardly leaned on her at all. The cane took the majority of his weight, but she suspected he needed her for more than physical support. She still marveled to think of what he faced over the next few months, and she certainly didn’t begrudge him a little human comfort.

  Of course, if she were honest with herself she’d have to admit she enjoyed it. She’d never really had a boyfriend, hardly even held hands with anyone
other than her father or brother. And while she had no intention of viewing Luke as anything other than a friend, she couldn’t ignore the effect his physical proximity had on her pulse and respiration. Despite the weight loss and weeks in a hospital bed, his body was still firm and strong. His hands were broad and warm—always so warm. She had caught herself imagining what it would be like to have hands like that touching parts of her body other than her hands. Like perhaps her cheek, her throat, her shoulder… And then she would have to snap her mind shut on the images that followed.

  She had no business fantasizing about Luke. He was as guileless as a child. She might even have to educate him about the mechanics of intercourse, eventually. Who knew what scattered bits of knowledge he had retained where that was concerned? She had thus far been hesitant to broach such a sensitive subject. Perhaps she would never have to. Hopefully, he would eventually remember. And if not maybe she could find a man who would be willing to explain that one to Luke, should the need arise.

  Those thoughts brought back the heaviness Shawna’s visit had left behind. No matter how much she dreamed, no matter how hard she wished, there were facts she had just better face up to. Facts of genetics and physiology, facts that had to do with hormones and perception, facts that had been drilled into her from childhood up and that could not be ignored. There were certain ways of the world, and humanity, and socialization that couldn’t be changed. And she had just been unfortunate enough to end up on the wrong side of the physiological fence.

  They stepped out into bright sunshine and a balmy summer breeze. She breathed deeply the scents of peonies and honeysuckle. A row of the colorful bushes lined the walkway that led away from the hospital doors. She led him down the path a few steps before lifting his arm from her shoulders. “Okay, you’re on your own now. Show me your stuff.”

  But he didn’t move. He just stood there with the wind ruffling his dark hair and tugging at the T-shirt and shorts she had brought him a few days earlier. That unnerving stare made her distinctly uncomfortable and made her insides feel like melted Jell-O.

  “What? What is it?” she finally asked.

  “What’s wrong?” he said with that cock of his head that disarmed her and every nurse on his floor with alarming regularity.

  “Nothing. Why?”

  “You’re too quiet. I know there’s something bothering you, but…you’re being tactful, aren’t you? You’re lying. Why?”

  She had to chuckle at that. He had turned the tables on her quite neatly. “It’s nothing, Luke. Nothing you need to worry about.” She motioned for him to walk with her.

  He took a few faltering steps before settling into a nice easy rhythm with his new cane.

  But he wouldn’t let it go so easily. “It has something to do with that Shawna, right?”

  She sighed.

  “She wasn’t pretty, you know. She thought she was, but she wasn’t.”

  “I’m afraid you’re in the minority, then. Most men think she’s hotter than a chili pepper.”

  “Well, they’re nuts. They—” He suddenly stopped walking and reached out to grab her hand. “That’s it, isn’t it?”

  “What?”

  “You don’t think you’re pretty.”

  She closed her eyes against his insightful stare. “I’m not, Luke. But that’s okay. Not everyone can be pretty. Not everyone can be on the cover of Vogue. I’m happy the way I am. I’m—”

  “Don’t!” The conviction in his voice startled her. But what he did next just about knocked the breath out of her. He dropped his cane and, standing on unsteady feet, he placed his hands against her cheeks, gently framing her face with his fingers.

  His eyes mere inches from hers, he whispered, “Don’t. Don’t say that. You’re beautiful.”

  She began to protest but he pressed a thumb to her lips and his eyes held hers so tightly she couldn’t breathe. She had been right. The warmth of his palms and the strength in his fingers seeped through her skin, soaking into her blood and branding her soul as surely as a hot iron on new calfskin. “You’re a wonderful, caring, honest person. You’re beautiful on the inside. But you’re also beautiful on the outside. Your face…” He seemed to be struggling. “It’s… It’s…” He dropped his hands and stepped back, his frustration obvious. He clenched his fists until his knuckles whitened. “I hate this. I need for you to understand and I can’t find the words. I know they’re in there.” He tapped the side of his head with a stiff finger. “But I can’t get them out.”

  She just kept looking at him, feeling oddly pleased and overwhelmed and completely at a loss for words herself.

  “You’ll just have to believe me,” he insisted. “I look at you and I can’t believe what you’ve done for me. And that you care. You’re so perfect I could just go on looking at you forever.”

  She wanted to scoff at that but he was so obviously sincere she couldn’t belittle him by questioning it. His declaration was eloquent in its sincerity and simplicity. It made her want to cry. “I think that’s the most wonderful thing anyone has ever said to me.”

  “Well, that sucks.”

  And then she laughed. She laughed so hard she could barely breathe. Tears were sliding down her face by the time she got control again. And she was pleased to see a wide smile stretching at Luke’s mouth.

  “I like when you laugh. And you smell good, too.”

  Sometimes he talked like a twelve-year-old, and if it hadn’t been for his eyes she could have almost believed that he was a child. Innocence and wonder shone through those eyes, but even at his most cheerful, his most buoyant, there were shadows behind that innocence—shadows of the past. There were secrets behind those eyes and sometimes she worried what would happen when those secrets found their way out again.

  Shaking her head, she reached for his hand. “Come on, you old sweet-talker. You’re not getting out of your walk that easy.”

  She retrieved his cane for him and once again they set off. This time they walked in silence, enjoying the breeze and the soft calls of a mourning dove perched on an overhead wire. The hospital was bordered on one side by a busy main street lined with mini-malls, motels and restaurants, but just around the corner lay a quiet residential neighborhood. That was the direction they chose.

  They walked under the boughs of mature ash and poplar trees. The leaves whispered their gentle secrets as the breeze rustled through them, bringing with it the scent of freshly mowed grass. Marnie bent down, grabbed a handful of the fragrant cuttings and held it to her nose.

  “I just love the smell of cut grass. It reminds me of hayfields and meadows and the horses out by my aunt’s place.” She held out her treasure. “Does the scent mean anything to you?” The doctors had told them that smells could often trigger the most vivid memories. She took every available opportunity to expose him to a variety of different fragrances in the hopes of kindling some key association.

  He bent low and inhaled deeply, but she was disappointed when a moment later he shrugged. “Not really. It’s a nice smell, but not really familiar.” He sighed. “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. For goodness’ sake, Luke, it’s not like this is a test. Take your time, enjoy what I show you, and don’t always feel like I’m pushing you to remember.” She hated to admit it, but a tiny part of her was beginning to hope he would never remember. That wedding band was troublesome. It probably meant he had a wife somewhere, and possibly children. It probably meant that, if he figured out who he was, and where they were, he would go back to them. And while she had no right to expect anything from him, he was already settling into a very cozy niche in her life, a niche that would be very empty without him.

  They continued walking and had almost completed the circuit around the hospital when they heard someone shout in the distance. “Over there! I think that’s him!”

  Marnie shielded her eyes against the sun and could just make out a small crowd of men and women rushing toward them. And leading the pack, spearheading the invasion, was their d
ear friend Gordon Zennie. “Shit!” she cursed. “Reporters.”

  They had no escape. The nearest hospital entrance was at least a hundred feet away, and with Luke’s limp they’d never make it. They were walking along the busy downtown street now and there were a couple of restaurants nearby, but one was closed for renovations and the other was no closer than the hospital doors.

  “Hang on, Luke. Looks like we’re in for a ride.”

  He put a hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay. Why don’t I just—”

  “Luke!” yelled Zennie.

  “Just a few questions,” shouted a large woman with a video camera sprouting from her shoulder. “Is Luke your real name?”

  “Do you remember the beating?”

  “Do you remember where you’re from?”

  “Have the police been any help?”

  The pack surrounded them. There must have been a half-dozen or more reporters hemming them in on all sides.

  Luke was trying to be cooperative and answer a few questions, but the crowd just got more pushy and excited. Luke’s identity had been a subject of water cooler conversations and radio banter for almost two months now. The public was keen for a glimpse of the mystery man behind the bandages and the shroud of secrecy.

  “Turn this way, Luke.” A flash almost blinded Marnie.

  “Are you still in pain?”

  “Are you involved with this woman?”

  That one did it. Already dangling at the end of a fragile thread, Marnie’s control snapped. “Stop it!” She tried to physically push the reporters back. “Give him room to breathe, for God’s sake. You people are insane. Please!” She felt her palm sink into Zennie’s gut and, fighting the urge to recoil, she shoved a little harder. “Please, just move back!”

  The next moment she found herself on the ground, staring up at Zennie’s smug smile. “How does it feel to be the one that gets pushed around?” he sneered. “Maybe next time—”

  But he never got to finish that sentence because in the next instant something exploded against his face. His nose and mouth gushed bright red as he stumbled back and fell into a small cluster of cedar bushes.